So
you’ve tried to talk to your mother about being transgender, but she just won’t
listen. Or maybe your child has just told you she is transgender, but explodes
with anger whenever you try to ask questions. Or perhaps you don’t like it when
your sister Suzie introduces
your child by saying, “This is my nephew-who-used-to-be-my-niece” to every
person she meets.
Chances are—no matter who you are—that there’s someone important in your life acting in a way that you don’t like. So what do you do?
Many people find it difficult to communicate what they would like the person to change. Instead, their frustration comes out in other ways, like passive-aggressive behaviors, displaced anger, feelings of hopelessness or inadequacy, appearing to hide feelings but letting them boil on the inside, etc.
Although it can be uncomfortable and awkward to address the issue directly, it is likely that you’re experiencing more discomfort by keeping it to yourself. A person isn’t going to change if they don’t know that their behavior is bothering you.
How to Ask for Change:
When asking someone to make a change, you’re more likely to get your needs met if you keep a few things in mind.
1. Identify a specific behavior you would like the other person to change.
|
Specific Behaviors
|
Non-specific Behaviors |
|
Calling me the wrong name
Lying
Interrupting me when I talk |
Being too forgetful
Being an untrustworthy jerk
Trying to intimidate me |
3. Request a specific change. (Again, note the importance of being specific!) This gives the person an alternative behavior to try. For example, instead of saying, “I’d like it if you stopped ignoring me,” you could say, “I’d like it if you looked at me when I talk to you.”
Always keep your goal in mind (what do I want to get out of
this conversation?) - you want to communicate, not accuse!
If Someone Has Asked You to Change
What if you are the one being asked to make a change? If you are like most people, you probably find change difficult, especially if you are trying to break a habit or thinking pattern that you’ve had for a long time.
If you feel awkward or embarrassed, this is perfectly normal. After all, most of us are set in our ways, and it can be an uncomfortable situation to learn that something you are doing bothers a person you care about.
However, just because someone does not like a certain behavior does not mean that you are a bad person. (The behavior itself isn’t even necessarily “wrong”—all you know is that it bothers one other person.) Almost everyone has some negative behaviors. This just means that we’ve learned an unhelpful way of coping with our feelings. It’s ok to admit that you are not perfect. Don’t get stuck in a cycle of putting yourself down because someone has asked you to change. (Also don’t get stuck in the cycle of getting defensive and putting other people down!) This kind of negative self-talk is only an “excuse” to put off change. Change is impossible if you’re caught up thinking about how bad you are, or how unfair the world may be.
Remember that you are doing the best you can. If you realize that you’ve made a mistake, take the opportunity to make a change. And if you fail at first, don’t give up. Change is hard! Keep trying!
Staying Realistic
Keep in mind that there are limits to what any person can or is willing to
change. For example, no matter how assertive and kindly-worded your message may
be, chances are that the transgender person in your life isn't going to become
"not transgender," even if you think this is what's best for him/her. Gender is
part of who a person is at his or her core--like being an introvert or
extravert--while people can work on changing specific behaviors, we cannot
change who we ARE. (It is possible to suppress who we are by pretending to be
what others want to see, but this is an exhausting and sad way to live,
hopefully not something you want a loved one to put themselves through.) If you
suspect that a person will not be able to carry out your request to change, you
may want to consider rethinking how YOU react to the person's behavior. This
does not mean you need to agree with it--it is simply a possible strategy in
improving your relationship with the person you love.