(definitions have been adapted from David Wexler's PRISM Workbook)

 

If we could read each other’s minds, perhaps communication would be much easier. Unfortunately, we have to settle for using words. The easiest way to get your needs met is to say what you mean, though that may be more difficult than it sounds. Being assertive means to express your feelings and needs in a way that is direct, nonjudgmental, and enables you to take personal responsibility.

It sounds simple, doesn’t it? Why, then, might people use less effective ways of communicating? Try to think of a few reasons why someone might use these communication styles:

 

Passive style

This is when you give in to others without making a strong enough effort to see that your own wishes, thoughts, and feelings are heard.

 

Example:

Mom: I'd really like to talk about this gender thing again.

Kid: No. You don't understand.

Mom: Oh. Well, ok then.

 

 

 

 

 

Aggressive style

This is when you push for what you want without thinking about other people’s feelings. (May involve threatening, putting other people down, yelling, blaming, judging)
 

Example:

Kid: I've been thinking about starting on hormones and-

Mom: Don't be ridiculous! You're going to end up regretting this whole phase of yours!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Passive-Aggressive style

This is when you say one thing, but your words or actions imply something else.  

 

Example:

Kid: I'm going to wear this outfit to the party. What do you think?

Mom: Oh, that would be great...if we lived in 1970!

 

 

 

 

 

And now… 

 

Assertive style

 

Example:

Mom: I'd really like to talk about this gender thing again.

Kid: No. You don't understand.

Mom: I'd like to understand, but I need you to help me. What are some things you'd like me to know?

 

 

 

When you communicate assertively, you are more likely to achieve your goal without becoming involved in a conflict.

 

Try the "Guess That Communication Style" challenge or read the disastrous "Stan and Jan's Worst Date Ever" for more general examples of assertiveness (and lack thereof).

 

When you're ready, move on to .





(c)Maine Transgender Network, Inc., 2009

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