And Now It's Time For...

The first step in good communication is listening. It doesn’t matter how skillful you are at speaking if no one hears what you say—you might as well be talking to yourself!

We've all had experiences when we tried to tell a friend something very meaningful to us, and then realize that they don't even seem to be paying attention. For really good communication, it’s important to do more than just listen—you need to communicate to the other person that you really understand what he or she is saying. Note, however, that this is not necessarily the same as agreeing with the person. But more about that in a minute.

Before we get into active listening, let’s discuss how not to listen. What exactly makes these examples bad listening?

(adapted  from the PRISM Workbook by David Wexler)

 

Cheering up

Kendra: I wish I knew some other transwomen I could talk to.

Barbie: Well, you can just talk to me instead! I'm not that bad, am I?

 

Questioning

Bob: A really good friend of mine just told me he's transgender.

Bub: Ooo! Who is it? Is it Bip? I always wondered about him.

 

Oversupporting

Hansel: I'm feeling pretty sad after attending the Transgender Day of Remembrance.

Gretel: It's ok. The world is a much better place these days!

 

Defending

Howie: When you call me "she" it really hurts my feelings.

Horatio: Well, how do you expect me to adjust to something like this? It's not like this is something most people have to get used to! You should be thanking me!

 

Judging

Genghis: I think I might be transgender.

Attila: No you're not. Only creepy people are like that.

 

Parroting

    Gloria: I don't think you understand what I'm talking about here.

    Carl: It sounds like you don't think I understand what you're talking about.


 

And that's how not to listen. So what else is there?

 

The most important part of active listening is to show the person talking that you understand and care about what he or she is saying.

 

Think of a situation when someone responded to you in a way that made you feel free to be yourself and talk about your feelings. This person probably communicated some of the following messages:

 

1.      that he or she understood

2.      that he or she was genuinely interested in you

3.      that he or she wouldn’t judge you

4.      that he or she had faith in you ability to solve problems

 

One way to convey these messages is by “mirroring.” You use mirroring to check out that you “hear” what the other person is saying. There are many ways to do this. You could use the following sentences, or make up something similar:

 

“You must really feel_____________.”

“What you’re saying is that_____________.”

“That sounds really______________.”

 

Ok, I know this may seem a little corny, but it really works! The point of mirroring is to show the person you understand what they're saying, so that you are then free to express your own opinion. Summarizing what someone has said does not mean that you are agreeing with them, but will make the person more likely to listen to you in the case that you do wish to express a different point of view.

 

OR you could ask questions to clarify what the other person is saying. You want to encourage the person to say more.

 

“What happened that got you so upset?”

“How did you feel when that happened?”

 

Remember: The purpose of your questions is to let the other person know you are concerned and interested.

 

And now, on to:





(c)Maine Transgender Network, Inc., 2009

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