Note to Parents of Transsexual Children

by Joan R.

 

Everything is so right and peaceful now that I can hardly remember what it was like in the beginning.  Certainly the calm feeling that I have now was not there.  I remember the sleepless nights filled with worry, my emotions so on edge that I cried frequently, that frantic feeling that you get when you think that your child is in harms way and there’s nothing you can do about it.

 

When our son told my husband and me that he was a transsexual, I had no idea what a transsexual was.  I had some vague recollections on the topic.  At the time I thought it was some form of a mental illness.  So one of the first decisions that my husband and I made was to get information.

 

I made an appointment with a psychiatrist.  He did the research for us and informed us that gender-variant behavior and feelings were not a form of mental illness.  Human sexuality covers as wide a range as does skin tones and hair color.  However, although it was not a mental illness, many transsexuals need mental health care because the world is not kind, and its unkind behavior toward our children can lead to deep depression which needs to be treated.

 

“The world is not kind.”  In the beginning, that’s all I could think about.  It made me feel helpless.  I cannot change the world.  I foolishly entertained the notion that I should try to change my child instead, because changing this one person who I know and love would be easier than trying to change the world.  But because my husband and I love our son so much, we had to set him free to be who he truly was meant to be.  To give him our love and support in helping him to become his true self was really the only right path to take.

 

Once we committed to this journey, I learned that the world is also a wonderful place.  Yes, it can be both good and bad at the same time.  Our son pointed me in the direction of an internet support group for transparents (TransKidsFamily, see also www.transfamily.org).  It helped to see that we were not alone.   There are a lot of us out there.  These parents shared their stories, their fears, their joys at seeing their children blossom and become happy.  Some of them offered to meet with us.

 

The transparents gave us websites to look at.  One that was extremely helpful was Children’s Hospital in Washington D.C. (http://www.dcchildrens.com/dcchildrens/about/subclinical/subneuroscience/gender.aspx).  The parent guide is a 6 page handout that was helpful to give to family and friends.

 

Telling our story has become easier and easier.  I think this is because there really are more good people than bad people.  The word “bad” is probably the wrong word to use.  There are people who act in hurtful ways out of their own fear. 

 

The advice that I give to new transparents is to get information and support for yourself and your child.  Look to e-mail groups, good health care professionals, your church (get a new church if yours does not support you… I did).

 

And if you ask why God picked you, remember that God does not speak through burning bushes and archangels anymore.  God picked your family because He expects you to do something.  He gave you a mission.  No, you can’t change the whole world, but you can change your little part of it.  If we all work together we can make the world a safer and more loving place.

 

If you would like to e-mail my husband and me, our e-mail address is transmomanddad@yahoo.com.





(c)Maine Transgender Network, Inc., 2009

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